Rarely has a script writer, wittingly or unwittingly, so completely nailed the zeitgeist. As an adolescent I was told with monotonous regularity that actions had consequences to which I paid scant heed, but that same meme today has become an imperative as opposed to a caution. Corralled within the confines of our home, the action of going out advised against, we virgins, unwonted to the rituals of home delivery, have been rudely deflowered. Accustomed to jotting our shopping list on small pads of paper on the kitchen table, which each of us would add to or edit in passing, we now sit together, eyes glued to the screen, deprived of a virtual pencil to jot ” flour” or “jam”, condemned to scrolling through the 80 or so alternatives of each product as the bald simplicity of “flour” or “jam” would elicit a digital “you’re ‘avin a larf”; 2 x 1kg type 65 Farine tous usages “Francine” might be something that would whet the software’s appetite to chew over and digest before replying with a polite hand over mouth burped “NON”: The situation being as it is there are more “Non”‘s than “Oui”s which makes it extraordinarily difficult to reach the required minimum, for home delivery, of 50€, an amount which, in the real world, is impossible to stay below; which means one is soon ordering any old bollocks as we’ve long forgotten planned recipes and economies and are completely focused on reaching the 50€ summit by any means achievable or, more precisely, by any products available with a limit of 2 on any single product; this is the North Face without ropes or oxygen and….we’re there, flag planted….VALIDER…hurrah!
But we’re not…we are so fucking not. A sheet ice wall of unavailable delivery dates looms above us until, suffering now from acute repetition injury, we achieve a delivery slot for 7.00 am in 10 days time. We have no idea what will be contained in the bags that will make up this delivery, as the term SUBSTITUTION is one we have come to know and fear, so it will be more like a tombola with the traditional snake replaced by an equally poisonous zeitgeis