a €hristmas Calor…..

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Prototype of a device to prevent obesity in children

A €hristmas Calor defines the fear of that moment of realisation that there is no spare gas bottle when the flame splutters and dies half way through the ritual destruction of salmonella, and all her bacterial chums, thus ensuring that your €hristmas goose is metaphorically cooked whilst festively leaving your empirical goose/capon/turkey completely fucked. Living in a country where, on the downside, mains gas is not a given but, on the upside, which does not recognise the two week eating and drinking binge, that we English know as €hristmas, offers a certain amount of comfort to a committed €hristmas curmudgeon. For all their denial of this festival, the French petits fonctionnaires are punctilious in the matter of putting up communal, festive decorations in the squares and streets of even the smallest village but are more whimsical in their removal once their pertinence is past. Thus we, in the provinces, can enjoy the spirit of €xmas well into the month of May in the following year. Sun bleached Santas hang from windows in broad daylight like carefree, copycat burglars offering me an inkling of what ChristmA$ must be like in Australia whilst reaffirming my good fortune that the presiding judge had mercifully spared me a long sea voyage and, instead, sent me here to live out my years cursed with the Promethean task of draining that wine lake that is the produce of the vineyards of France.

 

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About Food,Photography & France

Photographer and film maker living in France. After a long career in London, my wife and I have settled in the Vendee, where we run residential digital photography courses with a strong gastronomic flavour.
This entry was posted in 2015, Christmas, Digital photography, Humour, Uncategorized, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

45 Responses to a €hristmas Calor…..

  1. Mad Dog says:

    You deserve the Nobel Prize for that one!
    Keep up the good work with the wine lake – I’ll send you a snorkel for Christmas 😉

  2. Michelle says:

    You’ve outdone yourself.

  3. Brilliant post Mr Stowell and am snorting with laughter at your exchange with Mad Dog 🙂

  4. lulu says:

    My but you do have a way with words!

  5. ghetran says:

    Haha! 😉 Merry Christmas!

  6. Francesca says:

    This is your best one ever Roger. Read aloud, even better. Merry ChristmA$. Mr Tranquillo had decided to take up your spelling of the ‘C’ word.

  7. Eha says:

    You are SO right, Roger, about Yule in Australia – 40C + here today, one cannot access any media without hearing multiple times a minute that billions of $A are being ‘spent’ this weekend alone . . . and as my ‘lake’ of ‘celebratory’ wine is still sitting in some delivery truck I cannot even find solace in lifting a glass alongside you 😀 !! Truly do not resemble Scrooge in spite of above . . . so my sincere Compliments of the Season to you and yours . . . [listening to children’s grandiose wishes to Santa, just wonder how come way back when we were quite happy to receive a ball or skipping rope or some colouring books and pencils when opening our parcels from under the tree . . .]

  8. Merry Christmas. What a brilliant post! Your audience appreciates you very much! Can only imagine if you could edit while doing stand up. 🙂

  9. George Ritchie says:

    Hi Roger, Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you and jenny. Hope you are both keeping well and enjoying life in the hamlet.
    we have many happy memories of life in La Mouserie.
    lots of love
    G&T x

  10. Hmmm ~ a committed Christmas curmudgeon couldn’t possibly be this funny. Have a merry whatever … even in the bathysphere!

  11. cawleytanya says:

    Another burst of laughter on the train this morning! Thank you and a very Merry Christmas .

  12. cawleytanya says:

    I’m heading to Lyon in April and would love some really good tips on places to eat? ..

  13. ChgoJohn says:

    Very clever, Roger. Do you know of a judicial exchange program? We need his kind of creative sentencing on this side of the Atlantic.

  14. I love this photo. And it’s so annoying when you plan the meal, get it going, and halfway through realise the gas has run out. Then there is a scramble to save the meal!

  15. You are just amazing, Roger, love your kind of humor, cheers to you!
    To a splendid new year of 2016

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