I think a buzzard has stolen our secateurs. The garden and outhouse have been thoroughly searched which didn’t take long as we’re talking about an area not much larger than the average rock star’s kitchen, one third of which is a swimming pool, so pretty much like a rock star’s kitchen. Magpies would come immediately to mind in a case of petty pilfering of glittery things like diamond rings, but magpies have stopped even flying overhead such is the dearth of glittery things in our garden. Buzzards, however, are to my mind the Chinooks of our local bird life. They also must share the “eagle eye” of their cousins, so what with their continual soaring above us and their undoubted lifting power, my guess is that the secateurs are in a buzzard’s nest and being put to practical use. Each claw could hold a handle of the secateurs, whilst the bird hovered over branches snipping away to create a pile of cheap nesting material that it is now selling on to magpies in exchange for diamond rings. I just hope we’re not held responsible. Maybe Frank Zappa had a similar experience when he wrote “Weasels tore my flesh” – he’d left his electric razor on the window ledge, which accounts for the Bald American Eagle, and was left with nothing but a weasel with which to shave. I wonder if a weasel would prune roses well? I can’t spend my life worrying about these practicalities so I’ve decided to make a very good pear tart with a tiny bit of left over pastry, a pear, 25gm butter,25gm sugar, 25gm ground almonds, 1/2 an egg beaten (that wasn’t easy) and some syrup left over from an apricot recipe. Just beat the ingredients together, put slices of peeled pear on top and cook for 30 minutes at 180C. Do keep the tart out of buzzard sight.